Beauty Never Lost

Louisville, KY

Afternoon sunlight slants between the blinds and across the bed and onto the wall, falling in rows of perfect rectangles of gold. My window looks out at a bright, cold college campus with red brick buildings a century old. Seeing the perfect blue of the sky and the shadow of the library steeple falling across the empty lawn, my heart physically aches because of the beauty of it all. It’s like my heart fills up and then swells to absorb as much beauty as possible, and it aches with the effort of trying to hold it all. My inability to hold onto it- that’s what makes all the beautiful things a little painful. The most beautiful scenes are all tainted with the sorrow of their temporality. Every meeting ends with a parting. Every holiday ends with goodbyes and a return to toil. The most breathtaking sunset disappears into darkness, and its peculiar glory is soon forgotten. The sweetest family memories are stained with conflict. The experience of seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time can never be perfectly preserved- not in picture or in writing or even in memory. The sound of a toddler's pure, undiluted laugh can't be saved. We try to hold onto the beauty by capturing it in a camera lens, but the best picture doesn’t give you the feeling of coming undone at the beholding of glory. I have seen so many unspeakably beautiful things, but they have all come to an end, and my memory is inadequate to savor the awe these things inspired. Sometimes, in the presence of such beauty, I can feel my heart simultaneously exulting in the loveliness before my eyes and breaking with the realization that it won’t last. That is the tragedy of this world- we are surrounded by love and glory and beauty and awe, but we can’t keep hold of it. We can’t stop our memories from fading and dimming any more than we can the brilliant light of evening golden hour. This weakness of the human memory is one of the saddest effects of the curse. The thought of all the beauty lost brings me to tears sometimes. 

But then I think of the world that is coming, where all things are made new and nothing is accursed. Where all the beauty of this life is present and is even more beautiful because it is free from brokenness and sin. The glory I will behold there will surpass the best I’ve seen here. And I will find that all the beauty I thought was lost is now infinitely better than I remembered. And there I will have all the beauty without any of the heartbreak of temporality. All the meetings without any partings. The holiday reunion without any goodbyes. The fellowship without any conflict. My heart will swell with beauty, but it won’t ache with inability to hold it all. Because I won’t need to hold it all. Because it will never go away. It will only become truer and more beautiful, forever increasing in glory. 

Because there, I will be with God. His dwelling place will be with man. He who is the source of perfect beauty- who is Beauty- will be the light of the glorious city where I will live. His beauty will never fade from view, and I won’t have the ability to forget it, and He will only become more beautiful and glorious and breathtaking the longer I behold Him. And I will go on beholding Him for

e t e r n i t y. 

meet to part, part to meet

The last verse of a hymn written for the first Southern Seminary graduation in 1860 has become very dear to me in my second semester at Boyce: 

"We meet to part, but part to meet
When earthly labors are complete,
To join in yet more blest employ
In an eternal world of joy."

This is a season of many meetings and partings. Several people I met in this first year of college have already said their goodbyes, and I know friends will continue to leave each semester. At church, too- people are being sent off and bid farewell almost every Sunday. It is a difficult calling for a church body, and for a school, to receive people and love them well and help them grow, and then send them away into the world. I have been amazed by the gracious welcome I have been given- especially by the precious people at Clifton Baptist Church. Through many kind brothers and sisters, I have begun to learn that this calling- meeting to part- is mine as well. It is all of ours.

I will only be at school in Louisville for a few years, and, based on how shockingly quickly this first year passed, those years will be gone before I know it. It won't be long before I'm the one graduating and saying goodbye. While I'm there, I don't want to miss out on the immense privilege- the high and holy calling- of loving people well, growing alongside them, and sending them out. That is the whole point of the school. We meet to part.

I have always struggled with goodbyes. The indefinite ones are especially hard. But I've learned more truly this semester that goodbyes in Christ are necessary. We as Christians are not called to stay together, to stay comfortable, to stay safe. We are called to go. We meet each week in local church bodies, and then we go out to our different lives and different spheres of influence with the gospel our God has entrusted to us. We go to the ends of the earth with this gospel. Our aim is not to keep everyone we love safe and close; our aim is to see the Kingdom spread to every heart and every nation.

And we are free to go- free to part- because Jesus is with us. He is with us to the end of the age. He will never leave us or forsake us. Nothing will snatch us out of His hand. We are free to hold loosely to the things of earth, even our dear friends and family. Our call is to love those God brings into our lives for as long as He keeps them there. We cannot control who comes and goes, all we can do is love.

This semester, the Lord began to teach me how to love people without fear of losing them or fear of being known by them. I don't have long at Boyce. I don't have long on this earth. I want to spend my time loving people well and helping them grow and knowing Christ and making Him known. And I can do that because goodbyes in Christ are temporary.

A month ago today, a friend of mine died. The past month has been one of many tears and many lessons. I am learning the unspeakable worth and preciousness of faithfulness that isn't flashy. I am learning the goodness and steadfastness of the Lord in the midst of sorrow. I am learning the beauty and joy of the Christian's situation- that no parting is forever, not even death. We meet to part, but we part to meet.

I miss my friends who are away at other schools, or who have left my school, or who are back home while I'm gone, or who have gone Home to glory. But I am deeply comforted by the truth so beautifully expressed in the last verse of the Seminary Hymn.

I want to devote myself to my earthly labor that the Lord has given me until the day He takes me Home. That day may come very soon, and I want to be found faithful. And when earthly labors are complete, I will join in yet more blest employ with all the brothers and sisters I have come to love in Kentucky and Georgia and around the world. And then, there, we will all be together. Forever. In an eternal world of joy.

semester one

Sitting in the back seat of the mini van, watching the Kentucky hills roll by on the way to Boyce College. Feeling slightly excited but mostly sad, sure that the Lord would give grace but dreading the goodbyes.

The commissioning service. Standing in a little huddle with the five most important people in the universe. An arm around each of my parents, fighting hard against the impending tears as each member of my family prays in a quivering voice for God's blessing upon my first semester of school.

Receiving very good news and very bad news. Feeling sure that this is where God wants me, but still feeling guilty that I have such a happy, easy life when others are suffering so immensely.

Having dinner and praying and singing praises with my friends from home who are also at Boyce. Laughing till my stomach hurts and experiencing a sudden assurance that everything will be okay here. Even better than okay.

Full days of rich classes. Dr. Baise's Hamilton references. Dr. Orrick's stories about hitchhiking to Maine to catch a lobster. Mrs. O's sass. Dr. Martin's passion for theology and for Nacho Libre. Dr. Tucker's hospitality.

Joyful mornings of smiles and sarcasm and the sweet realization I think we're going to be friends.

Painful nights of wondering whether or not I'm doing anything right. Fearing the disappointment and disapproval of others. Wishing for a stronger "sense of belonging". Dragging my feet instead of running to the Lord who loves me.

Edifying, convicting, encouraging sermons. Moving moments of worship, lifting my broken song in harmony with hundreds of likeminded brothers and sisters. Praying each week with a faithful group who welcomes me in and pushes me on in my pursuit of the Lord.

Weeping for fellow believers who are suffering so deeply. Begging God to bring healing of every kind, and fighting hard to trust His will.

Mountains of assignments that seem insurmountable. Endless pages of reading. Cramming for tests. Submitting papers at 11:58 pm. Downing multiple cans of Coke just to stay awake during afternoon block classes.

Laughing hysterically and baring my soul and everything in between with my precious suitemates. Signing in for the night earlier than anyone else. Watching Gilmore Girls and quizzing each other for finals. Praying and sharing struggles and bearing burdens and asking for fashion advice. Giving thanks for them every single day.

Formatting footnotes.

Waffles and ice cream for dinner during finals week. Cafeteria eggs(?) for breakfast every week.

Casting my anxieties on the One who cares for me. Sneaking to His throne and picking them up again. Casting them back on Him. Praying for grace to break the cycle of worry.

Watching all the soccer games. Being a ballboy in the freezing cold rain. Wishing there was a women's team.

Playing with adorable and hilarious kids at my childcare job. Developing a hatred toward bounce houses.

Reading Knowing God and eating home-cooked meals with my beautifully multi-cultural small group.

Homesickness and homework.

Charissa. <3

Walking around campus, drinking in the beauty and history of this place and wondering that I get to be part of its story.

Being overwhelmed by the beauty of the changing seasons in Louisville, by the sovereign love of God, by the people He has placed around me. Giving thanks without ceasing. Realizing that there is so much to be thankful for- too much to even express.

Seeing the Lord grow me in Christlikeness a little bit at a time. Seeing the Lord answer every prayer and learning to lean hard on Him. Seeing the Lord, in His Word and in His people.

Driving home at the close of the semester, feeling excited to be with my family but slightly sad to be leaving a place of such rich beauty and blessing. God is good. So much more than I realized and infinitely more than I deserve.

I am not worthy of the least of all the deeds of steadfast love and all the faithfulness You have shown to Your servant (Genesis 32:10)

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good. His steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107:1)

until next year, boyce.

Sports Fans Want To Be Christians.

Dear Reader,

You may or may not be a sports person- I understand that. If you are, I invite you to read on and see if you agree with my thoughts. If you are not, I invite you to read on and see if my thoughts change your perspective a bit. 

Maybe you've never thought about sports as anything other than a waste of time. Sure, playing sports is a healthy pastime that provides good exercise and teaches teamwork to kids. But beyond that, maybe you don't see any value in having a favorite team. Sports fans spend lots of time and money on supporting a group of adults who earn ridiculous amounts of money for running around and playing a kids' game. Sports fans care too much about something that doesn't really matter. Non-christians go to sports games instead of church and worship athletes instead of God. 

These are all fair points, but there is more to the story than you may have realized. I believe that people love sports because people want to be Christians. 

Sports fans from any nation, from any economic class, or from any background can walk into a stadium and feel like they are home. They see a complete stranger who may look and talk very differently than they do, but they instantly feel a connection to that person simply because of their shirt or hat. They are united by their love and loyalty to their team, and they love gathering together to celebrate in days of triumph and console each other in days of loss. They encourage each other to keep the faith. And while a fan can support their team all alone, there is joy and community to be found when they cheer alongside fellow fans. 

Does this remind you of anything? 

I have been to several baseball games for my local team, and I really enjoy cheering them on. But once, only once, I attended a home game for my very favorite baseball team, and that was a completely different experience. Walking through the stadium, I felt like I was surrounded by friends. Looking around at the lights and the vendors and the field and the mega-screens, I felt like I was coming home. Singing during the seventh inning with thousands of people who love my team as much as I do, I felt a sense of belonging. Raising my voice with so many others to celebrate our cause, I felt such joy at being part of a community unlike anything else. 

Well, anything except the church. The belonging, the joy, the connection, and the community that comes with being a sports fan is only a shadow of the belonging, joy, connection, and community that comes with being a Christian. I think that people love sports so much because it reminds them of a reality that is in their hearts but always out of their reach, the echoes of a song that they can't quite remember. We were all made for the joyful community of fellowship with God and other believers.

Next time you attend a sporting event or see one on TV, try to see the fans in a new light. Don't see them as crazy, immature fanatics. Instead, try to see people who are experiencing the tiniest taste of the joy you have found in Jesus. See people whose hearts are aching even as they celebrate, aching for that greater community with a greater cause and a greater celebration that will never end. See them and pray for them. 

For those who are in Christ, let sports be a means to point you to the glory of the church. Enjoy being a sports fan and all that that entails, but don't stop there. Let your love for sports increase your love for the church as you see the infinite superiority of the latter over the former. 

Everything people love about sports, they love because it reminds them of the church, whether they realize it or not. For unbelievers, sports can ultimately never satisfy their desires for purpose, belonging, and community. For believers, sports can either be a distraction from the cause that really matters, or it can be an arrow pointing to that best cause, best celebration, and best community.

Sports people, let us use this part of our lives to direct us to the Point of our lives. And to those of you who are not one of us, try not to judge sports fans too harshly. We love being sports fans because, deep deep down, it reminds us of being Christians. 

(Go Red Sox.)

Loved (?)

I've thought long and hard about how to write this post. I've started it several times, only to delete what I've written and give up. The thing is, this is a scary post to write. But God has been teaching me so much, and I can't shake the feeling that what I've been learning needs to be shared. Maybe someone else struggles like I do. Maybe God could use my honesty to draw someone else to Him. And so, with that prayer on my lips, I will be honest.

I struggle with doubt.
Not doubting God's existence or the authenticity of the Bible. Sometimes I doubt His sovereignty or His power or His goodness, but not usually. I believe that God is great, sovereign, just, merciful, and good. I don't doubt that I am a Christian. But sometimes often, I doubt God's love. Not the fact that God is loving, but the idea that He loves me.

I go about my days, completing all the mundane tasks that make up my life, and sometimes I forget to even pray one time during the day. I forget about reading my Bible. I choose selfishness over serving my family. I put myself before anyone else. I am lazy. I am self-focused. I am self-righteous. I am sinful. I fail again and again and again.

Then someone mentions God's love, and I agree with them joyfully. But then someone mentions God's love for me, and I hesitate. Does God love me? I wonder, and the clear answer that comes to mind is, How could He?

Most of the time, I don't even like myself. How could God like me? Love me, even? There's no reason. There's no way. He says to obey Him, but all I do is sin. He says to love others, but all I do is serve myself. God is patient with me- of that I have no doubt- but the idea that He is pleased with me is absurd. Why would He be?

That is my default mindset, and so I go on with my days. I try to obey and be a good Christian, but I cannot escape the feeling that God is constantly disappointed in me. That my net-worth in the Kingdom of God is probably negative, since all I seem to succeed at is sin.

I realized a while ago that this is not a good mindset to have, so I started looking for the solution. I would listen to songs that played on Christian radio stations- songs written by well-meaning people who told me that there could never be a more beautiful me, or that God doesn't want to change a single thing about me, or that I am perfect and priceless just the way I am. Those answers just left me feeling emptier than ever, because I knew they were not true. Not really.

Trying to convince myself how amazing and beautiful I am is not the right answer. You know why? Because I always end up failing again, and then I'm thrust back into this depressing cycle of sin and doubt and more sin and more doubt.

So, what is the solution to this debilitating doubt problem? I need to get my eyes off of myself. My life is not about me. My standing before God is not dependent on my daily performance. My sin does not have more power or authority than the saving grace of God.

In the words of C.S. Lewis, "God loves us, not because we are lovable, but because He is love."

God loves me because of who He is.
He doesn't love me because I have a beautiful soul or a good track record. He doesn't love me because I'm good at obeying Him. He doesn't love me because of what I contribute to His cause. God doesn't love me because of me. In fact, He loves me in spite of me.

God loves me because, for some sovereign reason, He chose to love me. He chose to crush His Son in my place, because of the sins I commit every single day, so that He could adopt me as His daughter. And God is a good Father- He loves His children. God is holy and righteous and all wise, and He chose to make me blameless in His sight, for His glory.

That is a staggering thought, and that is a freeing thought. God loves me! I don't have to earn His favor or pleasure- I already have it, and I will always have it. My position as God's loved child is set and secure, no matter how many times I mess up. When God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of Jesus, and the righteousness of Jesus has WAY more power than my failures.

And so I am free to try to obey. I am free to repent. I am free to rest in the assurance that God is at work in my heart and that He has chosen to set His perfect love on me, even knowing all of my sin.

Now, when I am tempted to stare at my own failures and feel pressure to win back God's love, I know what to do. I need to get my eyes up. When I look around at the people and the places in my life, I see God's love on every side. When I look down at the words of Scripture, I see God's love on every page. When I look up at the goodness and greatness of my God, who is love, all I can do is fall to my knees in awe and thankfulness.

God loves me. When I am tempted to doubt that, I need to look around, look up, and believe that Jesus was telling the truth when He said, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you..." (John 15:9)

Do you ever wonder whether or not God really loves you? If you are in Christ, then let me encourage you to look around, look up, and believe God. He is good, He is love, and He cannot lie. When you are doubting, don't look inward for the answers, look upward. God loves you with an everlasting love, not because you have earned it, but because Jesus earned it on your behalf. Jesus Christ is the basis of our assurance. He is both the founder and the finisher of our faith (Heb. 12:1). So we can rest, and we can trust Him, and we can "come to know and believe the love God has for us" (1 Jn. 4:16).

God says that He loves us; that is not the question. The real question is, will we believe Him?

via

Rainy Day Wonder

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor next to an open window. Rain is coming down in buckets, and thunder is rumbling. Sitting here, feeling this beautiful, rainy evening, I'm thinking about wonder.

There is wonder in tiny droplets of water diving from the clouds to wash the earth. There is wonder in rolling thunder, the sound produced by electricity ripping across the sky. There is wonder in street lamps glittering through raindrops on the window pane. There is wonder in sitting here, so close to the storm outside, completely safe and dry. 

There is wonder in the thought of rain and thunder and wind suddenly ceasing at the word of their Master. I think we all talk so much about Jesus calming the figurative storms in our lives that we forget He calmed a literal storm in an actual sea. Waves soaring, rain pouring, thunder roaring. Silenced at the command of the One who holds them in existence. 

There is wonder in running home at full speed with your dad and your sister and your dog because the storm appeared out of nowhere while you were on an evening walk. We were hopping over sticks and leaves, squinting in the heavy rain, and laughing because it was a wonderful moment. 

There is wonder in the knowledge that you are surrounded by a family who loves you. Love is full of wonder and beauty and unexpected grace. 

There is wonder in the thought that the One causing the storms to descend and to be still is the One watching over me, caring for me, providing for my every need, and comforting me in every affliction.  The One who loves me. The love of God is wonderful and incomprehensible (even for a thoughtful introvert like myself, who could sit at her window and listen to the storm and think for days). I don't deserve it- I know that much. I want to grow in it- I know that, too. I want to be like Jesus and look like His love. 

Jesus loves me- that's the greatest wonder of all. 

But His rain is pretty wonderful, too. 

the rainy day wonder yesterday 

Prone to Wander

Journal entry from 10/01/2015

Prone to wander- Lord, I feel it;

Prone to leave the God I love...

That's so true, so often. 

I was just reading Psalm 73. It's so easy to feel like fighting sin is useless and pointless. It's easy to say, "All in vain have I kept my heart clean." (Ps. 73:13) The world's ways look better, for the moment. They really do. It's easy to ask, "How can God know? Does He really care?"

But then I draw near to God, and my whole perspective is turned on it's head. Because God drew me to Himself when I was brutish and ignorant, like a wild animal toward Him. (v. 22) God does hear; He does know all I am struggling with; He does care. He is continually with me. He's holding my hand. (v. 23) He is guiding me on the road to eventual glory, where I won't ever sin again- I won't even want to! How amazing is that?! (v. 24)

When I draw near to God, it leads me to ask myself, "What do I really want? What do I really need?" All I have is Jesus, and Jesus is all I really want. (v. 25) But my flesh folds under temptation, and my heart is an emotional idol factory. I'm prone to wander. Prone to lose focus and lose self-control and lose discipline. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (v. 26) That's two-fold: God strengthens my heart though it's oh, so weak; and God is all that I have or need or could ever want. For all time. Por siempre. 

Those who stray far from God shall perish. It says so right here in verse 27. But then there's verse 28: "But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works." It is good to be near God. That's all I want, really. And when I'm overwhelmed by an onslaught of temptation, "I have made the Lord my refuge," and "God is the strength of my heart." He's here. He knows. He cares. He loves me. 

I want to be near God. I want to be so close to Him.