Loved (?)

I've thought long and hard about how to write this post. I've started it several times, only to delete what I've written and give up. The thing is, this is a scary post to write. But God has been teaching me so much, and I can't shake the feeling that what I've been learning needs to be shared. Maybe someone else struggles like I do. Maybe God could use my honesty to draw someone else to Him. And so, with that prayer on my lips, I will be honest.

I struggle with doubt.
Not doubting God's existence or the authenticity of the Bible. Sometimes I doubt His sovereignty or His power or His goodness, but not usually. I believe that God is great, sovereign, just, merciful, and good. I don't doubt that I am a Christian. But sometimes often, I doubt God's love. Not the fact that God is loving, but the idea that He loves me.

I go about my days, completing all the mundane tasks that make up my life, and sometimes I forget to even pray one time during the day. I forget about reading my Bible. I choose selfishness over serving my family. I put myself before anyone else. I am lazy. I am self-focused. I am self-righteous. I am sinful. I fail again and again and again.

Then someone mentions God's love, and I agree with them joyfully. But then someone mentions God's love for me, and I hesitate. Does God love me? I wonder, and the clear answer that comes to mind is, How could He?

Most of the time, I don't even like myself. How could God like me? Love me, even? There's no reason. There's no way. He says to obey Him, but all I do is sin. He says to love others, but all I do is serve myself. God is patient with me- of that I have no doubt- but the idea that He is pleased with me is absurd. Why would He be?

That is my default mindset, and so I go on with my days. I try to obey and be a good Christian, but I cannot escape the feeling that God is constantly disappointed in me. That my net-worth in the Kingdom of God is probably negative, since all I seem to succeed at is sin.

I realized a while ago that this is not a good mindset to have, so I started looking for the solution. I would listen to songs that played on Christian radio stations- songs written by well-meaning people who told me that there could never be a more beautiful me, or that God doesn't want to change a single thing about me, or that I am perfect and priceless just the way I am. Those answers just left me feeling emptier than ever, because I knew they were not true. Not really.

Trying to convince myself how amazing and beautiful I am is not the right answer. You know why? Because I always end up failing again, and then I'm thrust back into this depressing cycle of sin and doubt and more sin and more doubt.

So, what is the solution to this debilitating doubt problem? I need to get my eyes off of myself. My life is not about me. My standing before God is not dependent on my daily performance. My sin does not have more power or authority than the saving grace of God.

In the words of C.S. Lewis, "God loves us, not because we are lovable, but because He is love."

God loves me because of who He is.
He doesn't love me because I have a beautiful soul or a good track record. He doesn't love me because I'm good at obeying Him. He doesn't love me because of what I contribute to His cause. God doesn't love me because of me. In fact, He loves me in spite of me.

God loves me because, for some sovereign reason, He chose to love me. He chose to crush His Son in my place, because of the sins I commit every single day, so that He could adopt me as His daughter. And God is a good Father- He loves His children. God is holy and righteous and all wise, and He chose to make me blameless in His sight, for His glory.

That is a staggering thought, and that is a freeing thought. God loves me! I don't have to earn His favor or pleasure- I already have it, and I will always have it. My position as God's loved child is set and secure, no matter how many times I mess up. When God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of Jesus, and the righteousness of Jesus has WAY more power than my failures.

And so I am free to try to obey. I am free to repent. I am free to rest in the assurance that God is at work in my heart and that He has chosen to set His perfect love on me, even knowing all of my sin.

Now, when I am tempted to stare at my own failures and feel pressure to win back God's love, I know what to do. I need to get my eyes up. When I look around at the people and the places in my life, I see God's love on every side. When I look down at the words of Scripture, I see God's love on every page. When I look up at the goodness and greatness of my God, who is love, all I can do is fall to my knees in awe and thankfulness.

God loves me. When I am tempted to doubt that, I need to look around, look up, and believe that Jesus was telling the truth when He said, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you..." (John 15:9)

Do you ever wonder whether or not God really loves you? If you are in Christ, then let me encourage you to look around, look up, and believe God. He is good, He is love, and He cannot lie. When you are doubting, don't look inward for the answers, look upward. God loves you with an everlasting love, not because you have earned it, but because Jesus earned it on your behalf. Jesus Christ is the basis of our assurance. He is both the founder and the finisher of our faith (Heb. 12:1). So we can rest, and we can trust Him, and we can "come to know and believe the love God has for us" (1 Jn. 4:16).

God says that He loves us; that is not the question. The real question is, will we believe Him?

via